Sex Toy Tales: Tales

Date: Oct. 22, 1896
To: Thomas A. Edison
Edison Laboratories
Menlo Park, New Jersey
From: Seth Parkins, Laboratory Assistant
Subject:Condition of Lab

No doubt, sir, you have noted that the laboratory space this morning is in a state of disarray. I will attempt to explain this situation.

First of all there are all those empty wine bottles.

But I should go back to the beginning. As you may recall you designated me to perform tests on the new experimental electro-mechanical device (No. 467.10) called…for lack of a better name…“The Potato Masher.” To perform the first tests, I decided to come to the lab last night. I also enrolled our faithful secretary, Miss Katherine Trueblood, to come with me and take notes.

The problem, of course, being to find some use for this machine. First I tried to mash potatoes. With its present rated amperage it wouldn't mash mush, much less spuds. So after numerous trials, I cleaned it off and went to the power source to see if I could, as we say here at Edison Labs, “juice it up.”

Unbeknownst to me, Miss Trueblood was resting the machine in her lap. The first thing I knew, she gave out a pronounced shriek. I quickly turned to see if she was in danger and was surprised to see an immense smile come across her face. I asked if she was all right. She replied that she was indeed. The machine kept buzzing. Miss Trueblood's smile grew larger. I went over to remove the throbbing device from her. By now she had moved it down between her limbs. And she would not give it up. Told me to damn well leave it be!

Soon she was almost lying in the chair, eyes closed, grinning like a Cheshire cat. After she seemed to shudder a few times, she sat up and invited me to come close for, as she put it, a “surprise.” Ever eager to test all possible uses of the invention, I stood beside her. She slowly started to move the vibrating head of No. 467.10 around the surface of my trousers. Especially on my fly.

She was right. I did get a surprise.

So did she.

It was then that Miss Trueblood thought of the wine. She felt we should celebrate our glorious discovery with a toast. I recalled a couple of bottles located conveniently in the locker of an employee who shall remain nameless.

After a few toasts we went to work trying No. 467.10 in every place I could imagine. Ever the faithful employee, Miss T. even added a few clever suggestions of her own. Given our dedication to the job, we continued the tests through to exhaustion.

When we recover more fully, I will present a complete report, with diagrams.

Mr. Edison, I feel supremely confident that we have a winner here. Katie…I mean Miss Trueblood and I are willing to continue testing No. 467.10 for as long as it takes.